(An order comes to my pharmacy for a well-known antibiotic. This antibiotic is known to smell exactly like rotten eggs, so most of us just hold our breath while we count it and try not to think about it too much. We dispense it to a woman who is picking it up for her teenage son. Everything is normal and she leaves with the prescription, but about 10 minutes later she comes stomping back into the pharmacy, pretty much shoves the person that I am currently helping out of the way, and throws the bottle of medication on the counter.)
Customer: “I want to speak to your manager right now! You guys gave me rotten medication!”
Me: “Really? Let me look at the expiration date on your bottle. Normally we don’t keep anything that has one less than a year away.”
(I look at the bottle and see that the pharmacist wrote a date of over a year away, and I go over to our stock bottle and check and the numbers correspond with each other.)
Me: “Hmm. Well, ma’am, it doesn’t look like this medication is expired but I will have the phar—”
Customer: “You are just lying! I mean, come on and open that bottle! It smells totally rotten! I can’t believe that you would ever give someone bad medication! My son is very very ill!”
Me: “Oh, that’s just because the active chemical that is in this medication has a bad smell. Trust me, I wish there was something that we could do about it back here, too. Most of us hold our breath while we count it.”
Customer: “Stop ****** lying to me. You just don’t want to admit you did something wrong! I will have your job for this, b****!
(At this point the pharmacist who has been listening the whole time walks over.)
Pharmacist: “Ma’am, while I don’t like the fact that you are calling my staff names like that I will let you know two things. One is, certain chemicals have a bad smell. It’s just a fact of life. So, while I know that smell is unpleasant, it’s just one of those side effects that come with being able to take medications that will help your sick son. I assure you it’s supposed to smell that bad. If it didn’t, it wouldn’t work right. Two, since you don’t seem to want to listen to my employees and call them awful names, this will be the last time that you or any members of your family can shop or fill any type of medication here. Maybe in the future you can learn how to treat people the way you want to be treated.”
(The woman proceeded to turn bright red with embarrassment and tried to apologize, but my boss wouldn’t hear it. That was almost two years ago and he still will not allow her or her family to fill their prescriptions at his pharmacy.)
Crazy Requests, Dentist, Jerk, Patients, Texas, USA | Healthy | February 28, 2019
(I’m a dental assistant at an orthodontics office where we have several locations, but we switch between locations daily. It’s planned out months in advance for scheduling purposes which doctors and team will be at which location. I’m covering phones for some girls that work front desk because the assistants don’t have any patients when this goes down over the phone. A patient’s Momzilla calls.)
Mom: “My son has a broken bracket again. I need an appointment for today to fix it.”
Me: “All right, well, we’re pretty slow for the next few hours at [location], but if you can come in before the afternoon we can see him.”
(I get the patient info to look at the chart and schedule her son.)
Mom: “You make sure the doctor knows this is an emergency. I have had to come in twelve times already to fix multiple brackets, and he only got his braces on five months ago. This is ridiculous; you all are supposed to know what you’re actually doing there. I’ll be at [location that’s closed] in an hour.”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about that, but [location I’m at] is the one that’s open today.”
Mom: “What? That doesn’t work for me. Didn’t you hear me say this is an emergency? Tell the doctor to come to this office for my son.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but we will be getting busy soon, and our doctor can’t just leave for another location. If you can make it to this one today, I’ll schedule that walk-in, but it’s Friday, and the next day we have appointments at that location isn’t until Wednesday.”
Mom: “YOU ARE THE WORST OFFICE IVE EVER DEALT WITH! WEDNESDAY IS TOO FAR AWAY!”
Me: “Okay, well, maybe you should stop letting him have what looks like taffy and caramel popcorn, which we told you he is not allowed to have because it can break his brackets or wire. I assisted the doctor the last three times your son was in, and he also can’t brush out all the bits of those foods from his back teeth, so at this point, there’s nothing we can do if you can’t listen to simple directions.”
(The mom hung up on me, and later called and told the front desk girls that it was no big deal, and they’d just come in on Wednesday.)
Coffee Shop, England, Extra Stupid, Nurses, UK | Healthy | February 26, 2019
(I am a male nurse. On my coat is my “Man of Men” pin badge in support of Prostate Cancer UK, since my partner had surgery for prostate cancer in 2018. The badge is of a male stick figure with a smaller male figure within it. Whilst taking my order, a young male barista sees the badge and says
Barista: “That badge is really cool; what does it mean?”
Me: “It’s from Prostate Cancer UK. Did you know that it’s the biggest cause of death in men now? Since my partner was diagnosed, I’m keen to support the cause.”
Barista: “Wow… I wonder why it affects so many more men, then?”
Medical Office, Parents/Guardians, Patients, Silly, Sweden | Healthy | February 25, 2019
(I am a family doctor. A man in his thirties books an appointment because he has felt so extremely tired the last three years. It turns out he has got a job that requires a thorough physical test every year, and he just recently passed one of them, so I am a bit confused about the situation with the extreme tiredness that has lasted so long. I order some standard blood tests just to be sure and continue my conversation with the man.)
Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid, Germany, Medical Office, Optometrist/Optician, Parents/Guardians | Healthy | February 24, 2019
(Ophthalmologist’s offices in Germany have a rotating system of which office has to stay open for emergencies on the weekends. Today, it’s our office’s turn and I’m manning the front desk. A couple comes in with their five-year-old daughter. She has a very red eye and says it hurts a lot. I take their info and ask how long she’s had those symptoms.)
Mother: “I think since this afternoon — a couple of hours maybe.”
Me: “Okay. Did something happen? Did she get something in her eye?”
Mother: “I don’t think so; I was watching her all the time.”
(The mother looks a little annoyed at my questioning and the father just nods, apathetic. I give some numbing eye drops to the girl to ease the pain and send her right to the doctor. My coworker follows in, only to come back out some minutes later looking rather angry.)
Coworker: “Guess what? This girl has a metal splinter burnt into her cornea.”
Me: “She has what?”
Coworker: “Yes, her father let her watch him using the angle grinder without safety goggles.”
Me: “And he didn’t think that might be kind of… dangerous?”
Coworker: “Apparently not. I’m getting the instruments to get the splinter out.”
(My coworker goes back in to the doctor and they start trying to get the metal out. After a while, the couple and the girl storm past me out of the door, the mother looking angry, the girl rather relieved with a patch on her eye, and the father pouting. My coworker and the doctor come out right behind, looking exhausted.)
Coworker: “WOOOOOW!”
Me: “What happened?”
Doctor: “The girl was wriggling all. The. Time. [Coworker] couldn’t hold her by herself, so I asked the mother to hold the girl, too. When I was just about to pick the splinter out, the mother let her wiggling daughter go and said, ‘Oh, no, I almost got a cramp in my hand,’ and I was thinking, ‘Oh, no, I almost impaled your daughter’s eye, but good for you that you didn’t get a cramp!’”
Keeping Your Patients Straight Is Harder Than It Looks
Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, USA | Healthy | February 23, 2019
(I’m getting an x-ray done of my back for a suspected back fracture. Essentially, I am in so much pain I can’t stand straight; I’m sort of bending over and favoring one side. The technician is setting me up by the machine but frowns.)
Technician: “Can you stand up straight? We aren’t going to get a clear picture this way.”
Me: *wincing, gasping in pain as I clearly struggle to even stand up* “No?”
The Patient Is Gluten-Free; The Doctor Is Brain-Free
Doctor/Physician, Ignoring & Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful, Medical Office, Texas, USA | Healthy | February 22, 2019
(I’ve been suffering from chronic pain and fatigue for years, and my GP refers me to a rheumatologist following some concerning test results. I’m in my mid-twenties and walking with a limp.)
Doctor: “You were referred to me because of your test results, but this test often shows false positives. You probably have nothing to worry about. I’ll order you a new series of blood tests. Now, you indicated that you’re in pain. Where does it hurt the most?”
Me: “It varies; some days it hurts–”
Doctor: *interrupting* “Where does it hurt the most right now?”
Me: “Um… here.” *point at my leg* “But the pain moves around. Sometimes it hurts my jaw, my neck, my shoulders… As I wrote on the forms, it’s sort of all over. It makes it difficult to exercise, to cook, or even to write.”
Doctor: *looking at my leg* “It’s probably just a pinched nerve.” *glancing down* “You indicated that you have psoriasis. Is that it?”
(She leans forward without warning and pokes at a patch of dry skin on my leg.)
Doctor: “Does that hurt? It looks bad.”
Me: “Um… No. It itches sometimes, but it’s pretty mild.”
Doctor: “It doesn’t look like psoriasis. When were you diagnosed?”
Me: “When I was a kid, maybe ten or so?”
Doctor: “And what did your dermatologist say at the time?”
Me: “Um… I was ten, so… I don’t really…?”
Doctor: “You should see your dermatologist. And a neurologist for your back pain. I see here that you’re trying a gluten-free diet? That should help with the pain, and your weight, too.”
Me: “I’m not… What?” *confused* “I’m not ‘trying’ a gluten-free diet. I’m gluten-intolerant. I’ve been gluten-free for over a year.”
Doctor: “Right, it should help. Your pain should decrease, and you should start losing weight.”
Me: *frustrated* “As I said, I stopped eating gluten a year ago. It did help. A lot of my fatigue and stomach issues went away. But if it was going to help with the pain, I think it would have done it by now.”
Doctor: “Well, I think you’ll start to see the benefits soon. Anyway, go to our lab. I’m sure we’ll find that you have nothing to worry about.”
(I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis, an autoimmune disease related to psoriasis. I decided to transfer to a different doctor. I requested a copy of my records to send over, and what I read there only strengthened my decision, since her only notes from that appointment said that I was experiencing minor pain and that I should go on a low-carb diet.)
Arkansas, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | February 21, 2019
(My wife has been under the weather for a while. They send her home early from work one day, so I take her to our favourite urgent care clinic. They did really well when she had pneumonia last spring, so we have no reason to doubt their abilities this year. But… the nurse is inattentive. She walks in, sits down, doesn’t look up from her laptop while taking history, and then flees as soon as she can. In meanders the “doctor,” a nurse practitioner. I’m sure there are good ones out there, but I’ve yet to meet a truly competent one. He checks her ears, throat, and breathing, all from the outside. I don’t recall him actually looking in her mouth once. We tell him she’s sneezing blood, vomiting mucus, and having intense sinus pressure.)
Practitioner: “Sounds like an asthma flare-up to me.”
Me: *incredulous* “Asthma attacks cause sinus pressure, pain, and vomiting?!”
Practitioner: “Okay, with a minor sinus infection.”
Me: “Really?!”
Practitioner: “We’ll send over an antibiotic and a steroid and give her a shot.”
Me: “For asthma?”
(He is dismissive of my concerns and leaves. One week later, my throat is swollen and sore and I can barely speak. My wife, feeling a little better than me, calls the clinic.)
Wife: “I was in last week and saw your nurse practitioner. He said I was just having an asthma flare-up, but now my wife has it! I didn’t know asthma was contagious.” *pause* “He’s an idiot and you should screen your people better.” *pause* “No. Screen your people. Make sure they know what they’re talking about when they see someone.” *click*
Crazy Requests, Hospital, Patients, USA | Healthy | February 20, 2019
(I am a resident on long call, staying after all of the other residents leave at 5:00 pm and admitting patients until the night team takes over. Near 8:00 pm, I get a call from the emergency department to admit a patient who was brought from her primary care provider’s office. Her condition is not that serious and she is generally pleasant, except for one thing
Patient: “[Attending Doctor] promised me that he would meet me right when I arrived!”
Me: “Oh? When did you speak with him?”
Patient: “When I was in the clinic.”
(Note that that was six or seven hours ago.)
Me: “Oh, well, the ambulance company never tells us a time of arrival, and it sounds like yours was pretty delayed. And the ED doesn’t tell every attending doctor when they admit a patient. [Attending Doctor] likely isn’t at the hospital anymore, but I’m sure he would have been here if he had known what time you were coming.”
Patient: “But he promised that he would be here waiting for me when I arrived!”
(She brought it up over and over again, making sure to interject it after each question she answered. I was a little taken aback by how fixated she was on this, especially considering how calm she was about her actual medical condition, and also by the fact that she assumed doctors don’t have lives and spend all of their copious free time at the hospital instead of with, I don’t know, their families? It turns out [Attending Doctor] was at a meeting and he drove back to the hospital to see the patient when it was done. I’m sure the patient was still upset that he did not use his psychic powers to know the exact time she arrived so he could be at the emergency department doors to greet her.)
Doctor/Physician, Extra Stupid, Medical Office, Sweden | Healthy | February 19, 2019
(I typically never get ill, but when I do catch a bad cold, I tend to get pink eye, an ear infection, and a sinus infection all at once. This happens between Christmas and New Year’s about ten years ago. I’m miserable and decide I need to see a doctor to get some antibiotics. I go to my local health center, but since it is holiday time, my normal doctor is not there. Instead, a temp doctor sees me. At the time I am very overweight.)
Doctor: “You know, you could benefit from losing a few kilos!”
(As if I didn’t know!)
Me: “Okay, but what about my cold?”
Doctor: *while listening to my lungs* “You have really light skin and a lot of birthmarks. Make sure you use sunscreen!”
Me: “Okay, but do I need antibiotics?”
Doctor: “Mmm, but we should only take antibiotics if it is absolutely unavoidable. I’ll give you a prescription, but don’t use it unless you don’t get better in a few days!”
Me: “Fair enough!”
Doctor: *looking through his big book of drugs* “So, how many pills do you need?”
(Yeah, he is serious. He asks me what the dosage is. Then, he calculates from my weight that I should have 21 pills per day! When I protest, he becomes irritated and snarky and gives me the largest dosage in the book.)
Doctor: “Are you happy now? “
(Eh, yeah. Sure! I just left as soon as I could. A few days later, I needed those pills, as I wasn’t getting better. When I spoke to the pharmacy, they were horrified to hear about the 21-pill dosage. They said that they would never, EVER have given me that much. Later, I returned to my regular doctor for a follow-up, and he was just as horrified. He also told me that the dosage I did get was what they give to bad cases of pneumonia. So, yeah, I was cured, but my doctor said that they would never use that doctor again.)
Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, Extra Stupid, Medical Office, Oklahoma, USA | Healthy | February 19, 2019
(For a month or so, I’ve had a very small lump right at the base of my hairline on my neck. I don’t worry too much about it, as it doesn’t seem to be growing and isn’t painful at all, until one day it very suddenly floods with blood, like a blood blister. I have a very strong family history of melanoma, so anything on my skin that changes color rapidly is cause for alarm, so the next morning I go to the emergency clinic for an opinion as they are the ones that will see me the soonest.)
Me: *tipping my head to show him the lump* “It was the same color as my skin before last night when it turned red like that.”
Doctor #1 : “Hmm… Well, it sort of just looks like you may have broken a capillary, but because of that, it’s a bit hard to see what might be under it… Oh, and what’s all that?”
(He points to my shoulder, which is healing up after a nasty acne breakout)
Me: “Oh, I went and visited my home state a week ago; I always break out something awful while I’m there, and it’s just healing up. And besides, the lump was there before then.”
Doctor #1 : “Hmm… Well, I think we should still get you on something for that. That lump could still be acne-related.”
(This seems reasonable enough, so he prescribes me an oral medication for acne and a cream for topical use. He tells me to use both for three days and then come back to check the progress. I do so, and when I return we have the following conversation)
Doctor #1 : “Oh, your shoulder looks much better!”
Me: “Er… Yeah, well, it’s had a few more days to heal.”
Doctor #1 : “So, we should definitely keep you on the acne medication.”
Me: *pause* “Sure.” *with no intention of actually keeping up the entirely pointless medication* “But that lump hasn’t reacted at all.”
(He checks to see that I’m correct)
Doctor #1 : “Huh! Well, then, do you want it off?”
Me: “Well… I mean, I don’t know what it is.”
Doctor: “Oh, well, that’s called a nevi. It’s just a harmless skin growth for the most part, but given your family history of skin cancer, I very strongly suggest you get it removed.”
(He does the procedure right then — which is not fun, by the way — burning off the “nevi” with an electrical current. I’m honestly a bit hesitant, but I don’t want to be that patient that insists I know more than a medical professional. After he’s done, he starts poking me in the shoulder.)
Doctor #1 : “Oh, what’s this here? You should really get this looked at, too.”
(I think about the spot he’s poking. It’s what I know for a fact is a completely benign mole. It’s perfectly healthy and I’ve had it for ages, and I’m beginning to suspect that this doctor is just of the opinion that I shouldn’t have any sort of blemish anywhere on me.)
Me: “Er… Thanks, but I think we’ll leave that one alone.”
Doctor #1 : “Are you sure? I really think you should have it looked at.”
Me: *now feeling even more uneasy about the whole thing* “I’ll keep that in mind, but I think we’re done for today.”
(I go home and let the burn start to heal, but I also look up the word, “nevi.” It means, “mole.” I cannot express how much my complaint was NOT a mole. I kick myself for letting this guy burn whatever it was off, but it quickly becomes apparent that what he ACTUALLY did was burn off the layer of skin covering whatever was causing my complaint. There’s still a bump there, and now it’s much more obvious as it’s turned into a bright red nodule. I do the thing you’re not supposed to do and start Googling, as I figure I can’t cause more harm by looking things up. The theory I land on is that the bump is actually an inflamed lymph node — which I did not previously know could be that near the surface — reacting to some previously unnoticed infection. This is further backed up when, after about another week, I start noticing some more lumps further under the skin, as well as developing a headache localized to that side of my head. Finally, I make an actual appointment at my regular doctor’s office and explain the whole story to him. He actually stares at me for a moment after I tell the story.)
(He comes to the exact same conclusion I did, and further traces the issue to a tooth I was preparing to have a crown put on. I hadn’t connected the two because, while the tooth definitely needs work, it wasn’t really painful so I wouldn’t have thought it was infected)
Doctor #2 : “Okay, so… we’re not going to be, you know, giving you any freaking creams for this because, you know, they’re your lymph nodes… I just… God!”
Me: “Yeah, I figured not. Antibiotics, then?”
Doctor #2 : “Yes. And we’ll do some blood work too… I just…. He tried to burn off your lymph node!”
(I left feeling rather vindicated, and as of writing this up, my lymph nodes have finally started settling down, and my headache is gone. Would have been nice not to have a chunk of my neck burnt off first, though.)
Hospital, Indiana, Nurses, Punny, School, Silly, Teachers, USA | Healthy | February 18, 2019
(This happens to my dad when he is going back to nursing school in his sixties — a story in itself! One time a senior nursing instructor visits the class to give a “very important” presentation. This happens in the late 2000s, and both bird flu and swine flu are of major concern at the time as potential pandemics.)
Senior Instructor: *solemnly, and with a completely straight face* “I need to teach you how to recognize the difference between swine flu and bird flu. If it’s bird flu, you need a tweetment. If it’s swine flu, you need an oinkment!”
(The entire class just about busted a gut laughing. My dad said in his entire time in nursing school, this particular instructor was always taciturn and businesslike and NEVER showed this sort of levity, except on this one remarkable occasion.)
So Many Optometrists But They Can’t See What’s Happening
Bad Behavior, Maine, Medical Office, Reception, USA | Healthy | February 17, 2019
(My family and I have been going to the same optometrist, a family friend who grew up with my father, for as long as I can remember. He finally retires after around 50 years and sells his business to a local chain optometry company. I get one final exam in with my regular optometrist, about five months before he retires, and I run out of contact lenses around two months after he retires. I call up his old office, now owned and operated by the chain and of whom I am now a patient, to order more.)
Me: “Hi. This is [My Name]; I was a patient of [Optometrist]. I’d like to order more contacts.”
Receptionist: “Of course. But before we can order more contacts for you, we’ll need you to come in for an exam.”
Me: “Uh… I’m sorry, why?”
Receptionist: “Your prescription is out of date.”
Me: “I just had my last exam seven or eight months ago. Why do I need another one?”
Receptionist: “Because you are a new patient; the optometrist has to see you before he can order your contacts.”
Me: “Okay… How much is an exam?”
Receptionist: “It will be [amount].”
(My old optometrist charged a little more than half the price that was quoted to me. My vision insurance only covers one exam every twelve months, regardless of who gives the exam, and at the price they quoted me I cannot afford a second exam in less than a year. I explain as much to the receptionist.)
Me: “There’s really no way for the optometrist to order me enough contacts to get me through the last four months before my insurance covers another exam?”
Receptionist: “Let me speak with the optometrist; we might be able to work something out. I’ll have to put you on hold.”
Me: “That’s fine.”
(I am on hold for about 20 minutes, and finally, the line cuts to ringing. A completely different person answers.)
Receptionist #2 : “Thank you for calling [Chain Optometrist].”
Me: “Oh… I was on hold, waiting for a different receptionist to ask the optometrist a question.”
Receptionist #2 : “Oh! What was the question, do you know? I might be able to answer it.”
Me: “Whether the optometrist could order me more contacts before I have another exam. I just had one about eight months ago.”
Receptionist #2 : “That shouldn’t be a problem. I don’t know why the other receptionist needed to ask the optometrist that. May I have your name, please?”
Receptionist #2 : “I don’t have you in my system.”
Me: “That is weird; I thought all my information transferred over fine.”
Receptionist #2 : “Transferred? Which doctor did you see?”
Me: “[Optometrist].”
Receptionist #2 : “I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with that doctor.”
Me: “But you guys just bought his company?”
Receptionist #2 : “Oh… Oh! Oh, you mean in [Town]?”
Me: “Yeah, that’s the one.”
Receptionist #2 : “You called the [City] location; we can’t order you contacts, but the [Town] location where you’re registered as a patient can.”
([City] is a large city about 60 miles away; [Town] is a small town that is about a five-minute drive from my apartment.)
Me: “That’s what I did; I called [Town], then I was put on hold when I asked to order contacts..”
Receptionist #2 : “Ah, I understand. Our home office is in [City], so all hold calls eventually transfer back to us after a certain amount of time.”
Me: “That’s… strange. Could you please transfer me back?”
Receptionist #2 : “Of course. Hold on just a minute, please.”
(I am placed on hold again, again for around twenty minutes. Finally, a third receptionist picks up.)
Receptionist #3 : “Thank you for calling [Chain Optometrist].”
Me: “Hi. this is [My Name]. I was a patient of [Optometrist]. I called earlier to order more contacts.”
Receptionist #3 : “Of course. Let me look up your prescription. Oh… You haven’t seen the optometrist yet.”
Me: *sighs* “No, but I just saw my old optometrist about eight months ago.”
Receptionist #3 : “Well, we can’t order you more contacts until you see the optometrist.”
Me: “Yes, I was told this by the first person I spoke to. She put me on hold to ask the optometrist.”
Receptionist #3 : *snorts* “Don’t know why she would do that. She should know we won’t give you any without an exam by our doctor.”
(I have worked customer service for almost ten years, and as such, I don’t want to cause a scene but I am frustrated and this particular receptionist, being so curt with me after the other two were trying to be helpful, irritates me. At this point, including the hold time, I have been on the phone for almost an hour now for what should have been a three-minute call.)
Me: *forcing my voice to be as even as I can* “I’m sorry, let me stop you there. I apologize if I come off as frustrated, but it’s because I am. I have been transferred three times and been on the phone for nearly an hour, and you are the third person I have spoken to. I literally need maybe one full box of contact lenses to get me through four months, as my insurance won’t cover another exam so soon and I can’t afford your exam rate without insurance. Is there really no way for me to get just one box of contacts without seeing your optometrist?”
(There is silence on the line, and I think at first that she hung up. Then, she speaks, very icily and sharply.)
Receptionist #3 : “That is how we do things here. You know, there are four other optometrists within ten miles of us.”
Me: “I see. I’ll take my prescription information now, thank you. I’ll order my contacts from [Mail Order Contacts Service].”
(The receptionist proceeded to read off my prescription to me rapidly and, again, rather sharply. I managed to write it down, and as soon as she finished speaking she hung up on me. I got some recommendations from family and friends, and four months later I very happily saw a different optometrist, whose employees were sympathetic but not surprised when I told them about my experience with the chain. They told me they already had sixteen former patients of [Optometrist] switch over to them after the chain took over! Not a good look for the chain.)
Dentist, England, Jerk, Liars/Scammers, UK | Healthy | February 15, 2019
(I’m at the dentist, and he suggests I go to the hygienist for a clean, etc. I say okay, though I’m not convinced I need it. I’ve not been to the dentist for a couple of years, but my teeth are in great shape, as I look after them well. The following conversation proves me right, and I have not been back since.)
Hygienist: “You know, your teeth are quite incredibly clean considering it’s been six months since we last saw you.”
Me: “Actually, it’s been two years since you last saw me.”
Hygienist: “Well, you really should have come in before now, then! Your teeth need a clean!”
Car, Health & Body, Israel, Non-Dialogue, Police, Police Station | Healthy | February 13, 2019
About twelve years ago I was riding my motorcycle when I got hit by a driver that didn’t look to see whether the road was clear while exiting her driveway. The impact and subsequent fall wrecked the bike pretty badly; the lights and the mirrors were shattered, the rear brake drum had cracked, the clutch got stuck on partially-disengaged, and the transmission got stuck on third. I was okay, aside from a nasty cut on my chin that got the front of my jacket covered in blood.
After checking myself for bodily injuries and concluding that I had sustained none aside from that cut, I exchanged the mandatory details with the woman that hit me, and told her I wanted to contact the police to have an accident report filled. The woman exclaimed that “she had no time for this,” and promptly drove off, leaving her front bumper, which had torn off in the collision, behind. I then found out that I had no battery remaining on my phone.
I just went to the police station to get that report, on that very bike which was somehow still driveable with all that damage. The officer I spoke to was horrified by the way I looked with all that blood, told me that the report could wait, and urged me to go to the ER to get myself examined. When he asked me whether I could get to the hospital myself, I absent-mindedly just nodded and pointed at the helmet I had in my hand. That seemed to satisfy him and I went on my way.
In retrospect, I don’t know what was worse: the fact that I rode a motorcycle in a condition that made it nowhere near legal to be ridden right up to the police station’s front door, or that the officer, who must have assumed that I was involved in a serious crash, was perfectly fine with me riding the motorcycle involved in that very same crash to the hospital.
Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Maryland, Patients, USA | Healthy | February 11, 2019
(My daughter has had an accident at daycare where she smacked her nose pretty hard into the side of a table, so I’ve taken her to the urgent care clinic across the street. Due to the location of the injury, my husband and I have agreed to have them do an x-ray, just in case. Unfortunately, my husband has to return to work, so it’s just me with my daughter. It is important to note that I am also five-months pregnant, and it’s starting to be very obvious.)
X-Ray Tech: “Hi, Mom! We’re all ready to take [Daughter] for her x-ray.”
Me: “Great! Come on, [Daughter]. We’re going to go take a picture of the inside of your head!”
(The tech takes a better look at me, looks down at my rounded belly, looks back up at me, and puts on an impressively good poker face.)
X-Ray Tech: “I’m sorry, but um… I have to ask; is there any chance you might be pregnant?”
Me: “Yes, five months!” *smiles at her for a few seconds, and then the penny drops* “Ohhh, right.”
X-Ray Tech: “I’ll just get one of the nurses to go in with [Daughter].”
Medical Office, Patients, Punny, Seattle, Silly, USA, Washington | Healthy Right Working | February 11, 2019
(I am answering the phone at an OB-GYN office when a woman calls to make an appointment.)
Me: “[Office], how can I help you?”
Woman: *sounding a little nervous but also very excited* “Ah, well, I need an appointment. It’s the strangest thing; I went sightseeing a few months ago, to see the pyramids. I thought I got food poisoning or indigestion from eating things I wasn’t used to. But it’s lasted for a few months, and this morning I glanced in the mirror and thought I looked a little heavier.”
(I can see where this might be heading, and am almost giddy because I can’t believe the fantastic joke opportunity I’m about to have.)
Woman: *continuing* “—so I took a pregnancy test. I think I’m three months pregnant!”
Me: *cheering internally* “Well, ma’am, it sounds like you did get sick on your trip.”
Woman: “Oh?”
Me: *holding back laughter* “You caught the Egyptian flu. You’re going to be a mummy!”
Woman: *laughs*
Me: “And congratulations. Let’s figure out your due date and get in your with one of our doctors.”
(As soon as I was done with work, I called my parents to tell them; they were also very amused.)
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