A Red-Letter Day
Funny, Medical Office, USA, Wordplay | Healthy | June 10, 2021
I work in medical reception. Recently, we had to reschedule some patients from one doctor, and we had a nurse practitioner available that day to take the patients that the doctor couldn’t. I was on the phone with a patient, who was very (understandably) upset because there were no other medical doctors with immediate openings to see them.
Patient: *Frustrated* “I don’t care if it’s an MD or a PhD; I just need to see a doctor!”
While this situation in itself was far from funny, I had a hard time keeping myself from laughter. A couple of days before, my English teacher had gone on quite a tangent about how he doesn’t like being called “Doctor,” because, obviously, having a PhD in English, he is not medically qualified.
Teacher: “If you’re sick, I’m probably going to just let you die.”
Personally, no matter how bad my medical condition was, I’d take that NP over that PhD any day.
This Clerk Will Have You Feeling Blue
Employees, Germany, Liars/Scammers, Money, Pharmacy | Healthy | June 7, 2021
I hurt my knee really badly when I am about fourteen, and I have to get a bandage to wear during the day so as to not put too much strain on it. I get a prescription and am told it will be free.
I go to the pharmacy with my father and go ahead so he can park the car. I show my prescription.
Clerk: “Yes, let me get you fitted, and then you’ll pay sixteen euro for your bandage.”
Me: *Surprised* “But I was told it would be free.”
Clerk: “No, this is sixteen euro, sorry.”
My father comes in and I tell him what the clerk said. The clerk speaks up again.
Clerk: “We also have one that is free, but it would be a bit different.”
I ended up getting the one for free, and you know what the difference was? It was grey instead of blue. I was supposed to pay sixteen euro to have a bandage of a different color. I only realised much later that the clerk was trying to take advantage of my inexperience as a fourteen-year-old and only caved when my father came. I am still shocked at the audacity, years later.
He Officially Wins At Excuses
Chicago, Funny, Health & Body, Illinois, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | June 4, 2021
I graduated massage school in 1986 and promptly started working at a place in a very well-to-do town. We had acupuncture, chiropractic, and other modalities, as well as massage therapy.
I quickly developed a roster of regulars with standing weekly appointments. One particular fellow was my standing Tuesday 6:00 pm for years. He was always right on time, impeccably dressed, the model of a perfect executive. (Nice guy, too.)
But one Tuesday, [Regular] didn’t come in and didn’t call. With most people, I would have assumed they’d just flaked, but [Regular] had never flaked on anything in his life. I was concerned.
It turned out that [Regular] had gone in to have a lipoma removed — I knew he had it, of course — and during what should have been very minor surgery, his heart stopped. They had to resuscitate him.
He called the next day.
Regular: “Sorry I missed my appointment yesterday. I was dead.”
¡Que Embarazada!, Part 2
Colorado, Jerk, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | June 1, 2021
My friend has recently given birth to her daughter and is at the doctor’s office for the baby’s one-week checkup. She obviously hasn’t had her stomach “bounce” back yet. The nurse comes in and takes one look at her belly.
Nurse: “How are you already pregnant again! Didn’t you just give birth?!”
¡Que Embarazada!
California, Friends, Home, Phone, USA, Wordplay | Friendly | February 17, 2020
(My dad has worked with a man from El Salvador for many years, and they have become close friends. When this friend first moved to the US, he took classes to improve his English skills, but in the meantime, the language barrier led to a lot of funny misunderstandings between him and my dad. They got used to laughing together about all the little ways both English and Spanish can be confusing. My dad learned a bit of Spanish from his friend but never enough to really understand a whole conversation. One Father’s Day, my dad thinks it would be nice to call his friend and wish him a happy holiday, and he thinks it would be extra nice to say it in Spanish.)
Dad: “Hey, I just wanted to wish you a happy Father’s Day! Feliz papa Dios!”
Friend: *laughing uncontrollably*
Dad: “What? Didn’t I say it right?”
Friend: “You meant, ‘Feliz Día del Padre.’ What you actually said was–” *pauses to laugh* “–’Happy potato God!’”
Dad: *laughing, too* “Well, I was pretty close!”
Friend: “‘Papá’ with the accent on the end means ‘dad,’ but the way you said it with the accent at the beginning, it means ‘potato.’ And ‘día’ means ‘day,’ but ‘Dios’ means ‘God’!”
Dad: *smiling, shrugs* “Well, at least you knew what I meant!”
Friend: “Somehow I always do!”
(Now it has become a tradition that my dad has to call his friend every year on Father’s Day and wish him “Happy Potato God!” When my sister and I call our dad on Father’s Day, we tell him the same.)
Since When Are Nurses Supposed To Care About Your Health?
Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, The Netherlands | Healthy | May 29, 2021
I’m with my baby at the emergency room.
Nurse: “Would you like anything to drink?”
Me: “Yes, please. I would like a hot chocolate.”
A bit later, the nurse returns with a large cup and hands it to me.
Nurse: “Here! I brought you a fresh strawberry mango smoothie. Much better than that sewer drink.”
Me: “Oh, uh, thank you, but no, thank you. I—”
Nurse: “Nonsense! This is good for you with lots of vitamins. The doctor will be here soon. Tataaa!”
Clearly, Babies Fix Everything!
Bad Behavior, Bigotry, France, Therapist | Healthy | May 26, 2021
My husband decides to see a therapist to talk mostly about work burnout and how to deal with it. After their first meeting, he comes home looking extremely upset.
Me: “Are you okay?”
Husband: “I am never seeing that whack job again!”
Me: “Yikes! That bad? What happened?”
Husband: “We were going over what my home life is like and I told him you’ve been dealing with depression for almost your whole life… and he told me to get you pregnant so that you would be too busy to worry about yourself!”
Quacktose Intolerant
Bizarre, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Liars/Scammers, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | May 24, 2021
When I am a teenager, I have pain in my abdomen. After six months of running around different departments, it is established that I could be lactose intolerant.
Doctor: “I suggest you visit a dietitian to make sure everything goes okay as you cut milk out of your diet. Try [Dietitian] right here in the hospital.”
My mother and I agree. Red flags should have been apparent from the beginning.
We call to make the appointment.
Dietitian: “Do you want to be seen at the hospital or at my house? There are more options if I see you in my home.”
After verifying with our health insurance that they will accept this appointment and pay, my mother agrees to the appointment for me.
Dietitian: “Please bring along the pain meds that you have been taking and the soy milk you have replaced the regular milk with.”
On the day of the appointment, we sit down in what appears to be the dietitian’s living room. The dietitian gestures to something on the table.
Dietitian: “This is the Asyra machine which will measure your bioenergy field to establish what you can and can’t tolerate in your diet.”
I am doing my A-levels at this point with the hope of going to study veterinary medicine, and this sounds like nonsense to me, but being British and too polite to stop her, I allow her to carry on. She gets me to hold these electrodes which, apparently, is all I need to do.
My mother helpfully intervenes.
Mother: “But they are not plugged in.”
Confidence going down by the second, I do as asked and the machine starts to generate a wiggly line. As we go on, the dietitian starts going on about how, “The machine thinks this,” or, “The machine knows that,” making it seem that this machine is alive. Eyebrows continue to rise.
Her analysis says that I should be fine with milk but I should really avoid eggs and onions, which I know is complete rubbish as I have been on an exclusion diet for a couple of months and recently reintroduced eggs and onions into my diet with no issues at all.
Dietitian: “Can I test the milk and pills you brought along so I can see if they’re good for you?”
She first decides to test the soy milk, which is in a carton containing plastic which, as many primary school pupils will tell you, does not conduct electricity. She places the carton on top of a metal plate and runs the machine. She is horrified by the result.
Dietitian: “You should stop drinking this immediately; it is terrible for your system!”
Me: *Politely* “I’ve been drinking this milk for about three months and I have been feeling much better since then.”
She frowns for a second, trying to reconcile this.
Dietitian: “Well, the machine is calibrated to American soy milk, so maybe you can drink British soy milk without issues. Try to avoid it if you are in the States.”
“WTF?!” does not cover our thoughts at this point.
She moves onto my pain meds. I have two I am using and I have them in the same box for convenience. Again, the woman takes the box and plonks it on the plate.
Mother: “There are two in the box.”
She regrets saying this immediately. The dietitian sorts between the two and repeats the process. According to the machine, one is good and one won’t work for me. I do seem to be becoming slightly immune to one, so this seems correct, but she got them the wrong way around.
Now comes the sales pitch: apparently, the machine is telling her that my gut pH is too low and this needs to be rectified with probiotics. Normally, the bottle for a month would cost £200, but she is willing to give me a sample bottle for free. We accept without arguing, for simplicity.
Dietitian: “Do you have any questions?”
Me: “I’m really missing chocolate. When can I add that back into my diet?”
Dietitian: “You will have no issues with chocolate and can start eating it immediately.”
This is completely at odds with my exclusion diet. Basically, if I add more than one thing a week, I have to wait two weeks for any symptoms to clear before starting to add things again, possibly from scratch. Not going to happen.
We leave and I think there are two seconds of silence in the car before my mum and I burst out laughing.
Sometime later, we receive the report. Nowhere does it mention milk. In the meantime, I have taken a lactose tolerant test and it turns out I am about as intolerant as it is possible to be. Another highlight of the report is that radon gas — that radioactive gas that causes neighborhood evacuations when leaks are detected — is better for me than… carrots.
We turn to the hospital and complain about this woman and her quackery. However, they won’t do anything as the appointment occurred outside the hospital and they are not responsible, even though their doctor recommended her and she is an employee of the hospital. We also have a two-month battle with the insurance for them to pay her, even though they said they would before we went.
As a final note, we looked up this Asyra machine online. It turns out that in the US (and the UK), it is only licensed to measure skin resistance, and if it is used to measure anything else in the US, you can sue the doctor.
It was all a complete and utter waste of time, but it gave me a good story.
I Am Also Allergic To Inept Nurses
Arizona, Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | May 22, 2021
I have an allergy to the preservative in most vaccines and have a heart condition that makes the use of an epi-pen unsafe without direct medical observation afterward. Therefore, I’m unable to be vaccinated without being hospitalized to monitor my heart for up to a week after. Because of this, I do not get the flu vaccine ever.
I’m at the six-week follow-up after giving birth.
Nurse: “Will we be getting the flu shot today, as well?”
Me: “No, I don’t get vaccinations for medical reasons.”
Nurse: “But don’t you want to protect your baby? You know if you don’t get it he’ll have to get one.”
Me: “No. As I already said, I am not interested in the flu shot for medical reasons, and his pediatrician is fine with him not getting it, either, since everyone else he will be exposed to, other than me, will have their flu shot.”
Nurse: “Just because you’re afraid of needles, it doesn’t mean you can’t get it. They have a nose spray now, you know.”
The nurse continues to try to convince me to get the shot for another ten minutes by guilt-tripping me about endangering my baby and being a bad person for not getting it for “frivolous” reasons. Then, my OB comes in and shoos her away. After speaking with her, she sends the nurse back in to give me a birth control shot and a shot of an antihistamine just in case I have an allergic reaction to the preservative in the birth control. I turn around and pull my pants down for the shot and feel two sticks, only to hear:
Nurse: “See? That wasn’t so bad! You got your birth control and the flu shot in one go!”
Me: “DID YOU EVEN READ MY CHART?! I’M ALLERGIC TO THE PRESERVATIVE IN THE FLU SHOT! IT COULD KILL ME!”
The nurse didn’t even look like she cared. She just walked out, leaving me sobbing and trying to stay calm so I could get an epi shot before I stopped being able to breathe.
Thankfully, my OB was able to give me an epi shot within a few minutes of the flu shot, but I still spent a week in the hospital afterward. The good news is that the nurse lost her licenses and faced criminal charges.
Ain’t That A Karmic Kick In The Head
Bosses & Owners, Current Events, Health & Body, Instant Karma, Retail, Seattle, USA, Washington | Healthy | May 21, 2021
I get migraines an average of two weeks a month. My manager has never experienced a migraine and thinks of them as simple headaches; she frequently talks down to me as though they are nothing. Our store has glaring white light that is arguably brighter than the outside sun, which does not help at all.
My manager recently came down with a certain contagious illness and became very sick; she was gone for about two months. Upon her return, she was now getting chronic migraines much like mine.
Before long, my manager posted a public apology on social media and sent me a personal one for talking like migraines are nothing. I’m sorry she is getting them now as they are torture, but I’m glad she now understands and won’t make the “it’s nothing” argument again to anyone out there who gets them.
What The Oak Leaf Wants, The Oak Leaf Gets
Hospital, Impossible Demands, Military, Reddit | Healthy | CREDIT: thearticulategrunt | May 19, 2021
I am a Captain and have been assigned as chief of security for an Army hospital. I am in my office when a Lieutenant Colonel comes in.
Lieutenant Colonel: “Hey there, Captain. I need you to take care of an issue for me.”
Me: “Of course, sir. If it is within my area and power, I’ll see what I can do.”
Lieutenant Colonel: “Well, the general’s driver’s wife is in the maternity ward having just had her baby and she has a problematic roommate — always closing the curtain and blocking her line of sight to the window and messing with the tv. I need this woman moved to another room.”
Me: “Umm, that’s definitely outside my area of control, sir. I don’t oversee or control anything with patients unless it is an issue of security, safety or—”
Lieutenant Colonel: “Yes, yes, I know, but you know everyone, and the doctors and nurses will listen to you more than me. You are one of them now and they rely on you.”
Me: “Sir, really—”
Lieutenant Colonel: “I know, I know, no promises. This would really make the general happy, though. His driver is like a second son to him, so I would really owe you. It’s room number [number]. Just give it your best for a fellow infantryman, okay?”
I breathe deep and pause for a moment.
Me: “What room number again, sir?”
Lieutenant Colonel: *Smiling* “[Number].”
Me: “Roger, sir. I’ll look into it and do my best. I’ve got a couple of favors I might be able to use.”
Lieutenant Colonel: “Outstanding! Thanks.”
And he leaves. So, up I go to maternity to find the head nurse. She is not pleased as, apparently, the Lieutenant Colonel had been here earlier trying to sling his weight around and came to find me when it had no effect. I point out the room, though, and she smiles. We both chuckle a little bit.
Me: “So, can you help me out with making this all be good? Please.”
The head nurse gives me a big friendly smile.
Head Nurse: “Well, the corner room is open. We could move the bothersome lady in there, though she will likely have a new roommate later today. Then again, once the bed is clean and reset, we will likely be putting another lady in with the driver’s wife, too. Matter of fact…”
She pauses, looking over files.
Head Nurse: “It will probably be [Patient] having her fourth kid. She was likely to be going in the corner room, but with the move, she would have to go in with the driver’s wife.”
Me: “Well, if that’s how it has to be. As long as we can accommodate the Lieutenant Colonel’s request.”
Head Nurse: “Okay, but you are helping move the lady out of the room.”
Me: “Yes, ma’am, of course.”
The lady who had been causing SUCH disturbances for the driver’s wife was quite calm and gave no issues with the move nor even asked any questions. I called the Lieutenant Colonel once it was done and made sure to tell him I had no concrete knowledge if or when a new roommate might be moved into the room but that the staff was really not happy with the move and extra work. He thanked me and I never heard anything of it again.
The entertaining part of the whole thing? The bothersome lady who got the room with the better view — the woman who kept closing the curtain for some privacy and turning down the loud crap the driver’s wife kept putting on the TV — was my wife, who had just had our first kid.
Make It Up To Her Or Face Her Withering Stare
Golden Years, Grandparents, Nurses, Nursing Home, Patients, The Netherlands | Healthy | May 17, 2021
My grandmother always liked to look nice; she liked to regularly get her hair and nails done and preferred to spend a little extra on stylish clothes. She also almost always wore makeup — just a little colour to liven up her face a bit. She still did this when she was past ninety and had to move to a nursing home.
The move was not caused by diminishing mental faculties — she remained sharp as a tack until the day she died — but she had become wheelchair-bound after a nasty fall and her physical health had already been deteriorating. The home she moved into was very nice, but apparently, some of the staff were not used to elderly ladies paying as much attention to their looks as my grandmother did.
I was visiting Grandma when a young nurse came in to help her with her eyedrops. Her face took on a look of pure astonishment.
Nurse: “Why, Mrs. [Grandma], are you really wearing lipstick?”
Grandma must have been rather irritated at the tone and the apparent implication that elderly women wearing lipstick is something to marvel at, because her reply was rather indignant.
Grandma: “Yes, I am. I might be old, but I’m not withered!”
After the flustered nurse left, I nearly rolled off the couch with laughter. “I might be old, but I’m not withered” has since become a family favourite; whenever an older relative gets a comment along the lines of “Looking good for your age,” they fire off Grandma’s response. Everyone in the know then immediately bursts into laughter and starts reminiscing about dear Grandma.
CAT Scans In The Twilight Zone
Bizarre, Boulder, Colorado, Employees, Ignoring & Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | May 15, 2021
I arrive early for my CAT scan and sit in the waiting room. [Tech #1 ] comes out of the back.
Testing Positive For Not Listening
Current Events, Health & Body, Impossible Demands, Laboratory, USA | Healthy | May 12, 2021
I work in customer service for a testing lab, mostly testing people who need a negative test for international travel. While we’re able to answer 99% of customers’ questions, we legally can’t give medical advice since we’re not medical professionals.
Customer: “I’m supposed to travel next week, but I also just got an email that I can get my vaccine this weekend. Will the vaccine affect my results? Should I get the vaccine or not?”
Me: “While we haven’t had any issues with the vaccines affecting our tests, it would be best to ask your doctor about whether you should get the vaccine before traveling. I’m not allowed to give medical advice to customers.”
Customer: *Now yelling* “I’M NOT ASKING FOR MEDICAL ADVICE! I’M ASKING IF I SHOULD GET THE VACCINE OR NOT!”
Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 5
Jerk, Ohio, Optometrist/Optician, Patients, Stupid, USA | Healthy | May 10, 2021
I’m a technician at a local eye clinic. I call back a new patient. I get his history and find out he’s diabetic and uses scleral lenses — the kind that covers the entire eye. Diabetes can wreak havoc on the eyes if not controlled.
Me: “What brings you here?”
Patient: “I’ve had pain in both my eyes the past two weeks.”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I see you wear sclerals. How long have you been using them?”
Patient: “Oh, these are about ten years old. They’re in great shape!”
Me: “Oooookay? How long per day do you wear them?”
Patient: “Oh, I don’t take ‘em out! They’re so comfortable and I forget they’re there!”
My eyes instantly start to hurt for him, but I continue.
Me: “So… how long have these been in your eye?”
Patient: “About two months!”
Me: “So, you haven’t cleaned them or taken them out of your eye in two months?!”
Patient: “Nope. It’s not my contacts that are bothering me, though. My eyes just hurt.”
Me: “Okay… and you’re diabetic, correct? What’s your blood sugar usually run?”
Patient: “I don’t know; I rarely check. Like 400 something?”
I’m almost speechless but I continue.
Me: “Well, we need to take the contacts out so the doctor can look at your eye.”
Patient: “Do we have to? Taking them out will make my eyes hurt more.”
Me: “Yes. Yes, we do.”
The patient takes his lenses out. They are covered with dirt and build-up to where the lens is a milky grey color rather than clear. I look at the patient’s eyes and they are beet red and swollen. Finally, the doctor comes in after I tell him what’s going on.
Doctor: “Let’s take a look.”
After examining the patient, the doctor can see two huge corneal ulcers exacerbated by uncontrolled diabetes from extended lens wear causing the pain. The doctor explains that these are serious and can lead to permanent scarring which can be irreversible.
Doctor: “These are serious. You need to keep your lenses out to let the eyes heal.”
Patient: “No.”
Doctor: “No?”
Patient: “I’m gonna keep wearing my lenses.”
Doctor: “You really shouldn’t. If this infection doesn’t heal, you can be left with scars or could possibly develop into something much worse and lose the eye.”
Patient: “I don’t care. Give me my lenses.”
Doctor: “My tech has them. She’s finishing cleaning them for you.”
Patient: “Why in the h*** would you clean them?! They were fine!”
Doctor: “Sir, I can’t let you wear these in good conscience knowing it’ll make the problem worse.”
Patient: “F*** y’all! I’m going somewhere else where they know what they’re talking about. These contacts didn’t do anything to my eyes!”
He left with his contacts. We thoroughly documented the encounter and went on about our business.
A month later, he came back threatening to sue our company because he claimed we told him he could continue his lens use and never gave him any treatment for his condition — he left before we could — and now he had a pretty significant corneal scar in both eyes and would require a transplant. My doctor simply printed out the exam notes for him and told him he’d love to see him try. Harsh on my doctor’s part maybe, but don’t fight the people trying to help you!
Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 4
Adorable Children, Health & Body, Jerk, Park, Schoolmates, Strangers, USA | Friendly | June 5, 2018
(I have heterochromia, which means I have two different colored eyes. My left one is blue and my right one is brown/hazel. I’ve had many people comment on them, good and bad. Example #1 : I’m taking pictures of the wildlife in the park for a school project. We’re taking a break and decide to make small talk.)
Me: “I like your bracelet.”
Partner: “Thanks, it was a birthday gift.”
Me: “Lucky.”
Partner: “Have you ever considered surgery to make both your eyes the same color?”
Me: “Does something like that exist?”
Partner: “Yeah. My aunt hates contacts but loves blue eyes.”
Me: “Unless it’s glaucoma or vision correction, I don’t feel comfortable going through expensive eye surgery.”
Partner: “But you’d look normal!”
Me: “My definition of normal and yours seem to be at different ends of the spectrum.”
(Example #2 : Same park, weekend, I’m painting the pond.)
Mother: “Go on. Ask her, sweetie.”
Little Girl: “Excuse me, miss?”
Me: “Yes?”
Little Girl: “Are you a witch? Your eyes are odd.”
Me: “Shhh. If my father hears someone figured out my secret, he might give me twice my magic homework.”
Little Girl: “I promise I won’t tell.” *makes a “my lips are sealed” gesture and skips happily to her mother*
Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 3
Convenience Store | Working | April 11, 2013
(I’m at the store near my house, buying a six-pack of beer. I’m partially blind, but know my neighborhood well, and buy my beer/soda/snacks there regularly. This day, there is a new clerk.)
Clerk: “I’ll need to see your driver’s license for the beer, please.”
Me: “Sure thing, boss!”
(I hand over my state-issued ID, which is different from a driver’s license.)
Clerk: “This isn’t a driver’s license. You said you had a driver’s license.”
Me: “This is a state-issued ID. It functions exactly like a driver’s license for most purposes, except for driving.”
Clerk: “So, you’re a drunk driver, and they took your driver’s license away? I shouldn’t be selling beer to an alcoholic.”
Me: “No, I never had a driver’s license. I’m blind, I can’t drive.”
Clerk: “…because they took your license away. I don’t think I should sell this to you. You’ll wind up killing someone, and it’ll be my fault.”
(By this time, the owner realizes what’s going on and speaks up.)
Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 2
Bank, Employees, Stupid, USA | Working | July 4, 2012
(I am a customer at a bank. I am accompanying a friend who happens to be blind. He does not wear dark glasses, so his blindness is apparent to anyone who can see his face. After making a deposit, my friend asks for his balance, and the teller requests his driver’s license as proof of identity. My friend hands her his state-issued ID card.)
Teller: “I am sorry, sir. This ID is not acceptable. I need to see your driver’s license.”
Friend: “I do not have a driver’s license. This is my state ID.”
Teller: “I have to see your driver’s license to verify your identity before I can tell you the balance on this account.”
Friend: “Miss, I do not have a driver’s license. I cannot drive. This card is equivalent to a driver’s license for identification purposes.”
Teller: “Everybody over sixteen can drive, sir. If you do not have your driver’s license, I cannot give you the balance.”
Friend: “Look at me, miss. I am blind. Do you really think I should be able to drive?”
Back Pain Sufferers, There Is Hope!
Awesome, Doctor/Physician, Florida, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | May 6, 2021
I’m twenty. For the past few months, I’ve been getting experience in my major field by working long hours in a lab, counting out microscopic worms on Petri dishes. It’s not difficult or too taxing, but I’ve noticed lately that the way I have to sit to reach the scopes has triggered some lower back pain around the center of my hips. I try to ignore it for about three weeks, as my father just laughs when I mention it and I’m worried that my doctor, the pediatrician I’ve seen since birth, will do the same because of my young age and lack of strenuous activity.
It gets to the point that I can barely walk and every few seconds, a shooting pain jumps down from my back to the front of my knee. It’s beyond anything I’ve ever felt, before or since. The spasms keep me at night, and when I wake up one morning to discover that I can’t lean forward or backward more than a few millimeters, I finally go in to see the doctor. As my main doctor isn’t in that day, I’m paired with a new doctor in the practice I’ve never met before. She’s much younger than the others I’ve seen and is incredibly pleasant.
Doctor: “So, I’ve heard you’ve been having back spasms?”
Me: “Yeah. I know, I know, I’m too young to have a back problem. I haven’t had any big jolts to the system or anything, nothing more stressful than sitting in a lab all day, but no matter what I do, I can’t shake this. I didn’t want to bother you guys during the flu season with what’s probably just a stupid pulled muscle but I haven’t slept for two nights now. Laying down or sitting up seems to make it worse, and the over-the-counter painkillers don’t put a dent in it.”
Doctor: “Hey, it’s no problem at all! In fact, I wish you had come in a bit sooner! Back spasms can be really serious, so let’s see if we can figure this out.”
The doctor chats with me about what I’ve done so far to ease the pain and what showed any improvement or made it worse and puts me through some simple range of movement exercises
Doctor: “Okay, I’m going to do a few little tests that should confirm my suspicions about this. I’m going to be putting my thumbs at those little dimples you get at your lower back, okay? Just tell me if it hurts, and which side hurts most.”
I feel something akin to a nail being driven into the area she’s touching.
Me: “Holy moth— Left! Left side! Haha, ouch, Doc.”
Doctor: “Sorry! Sorry, just one more. Pop up there, lay down, and cross your right ankle over your left knee.”
When I lay down, my entire pelvis should be an inch closer to the ground than it is, and I mention it to her.
Doctor: “That’s normal if this last one gives us a positive sign. When I push down on your right knee here, is there—”
Me: “Pain?! Yes. Yes, there is.”
Doctor: “Positive sign! With how long you’ve let this go, it may be too tight for me to fix this here without you doing some home stretches first, but I’ll give it a shot if you’d like?”
Me: “Please, yes. Anything. Feed me to a lion if it would make this stop hurting so much.”
The doctor moves my left leg off the table to hang down the side and shifts my body so my hip also hangs off and instructs me to push up against her downward force on my left knee. My pelvic area makes an ungodly loud cracking sound that can probably be heard in the lobby as it feels like my entire pelvis drops down that missing inch. I fully expect extreme pain.
Me: “AAAGH— Oh, hang on.”
I sit up without difficulty.
Me: “Holy crap. It’s a little sore, but holy crap! You’re a miracle worker! What did you do?! I could kiss you right now!”
Doctor: *Laughing* “I put your sacroiliac joint back in alignment. It’s common for women to have problems with it, though it’s usually after childbirth or an impact accident like a car crash.”
Me: “Yeesh, no chance of that here, and I’ve never been in a wreck.”
Doctor: “Well, it’s unusual, but long periods of sitting in some positions can stress the ligaments and allow the joint to move out of alignment bit by bit. Please, if it ever starts to flare up again, don’t wait so long to come in! It should be manageable with targeted stretching exercises, and I’ll grab you our printout of the ones that should help, but don’t let it get this out of control next time!”
The next day, after a very good night’s sleep, I wrote two letters: one to the head of the clinic commending the doctor for her quick diagnosis and solution, and another to the doctor herself thanking her profusely for taking me seriously right off the bat and being so delightfully friendly during the whole appointment, despite it being a last-minute walk-in. I delivered them with snacks and chocolates for the staff and thoroughly enjoyed showing them how I could once again move without pain. I had to leave their practice once I aged out earlier this year, but I’ve never had a better experience with any other doctor.
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